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Subject: |
Dealing with Adult Bullies |
| Date: |
2010-03-22
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Dealing with Adult
Bullies
By Erik Fisher, PhD,
AKA Dr. E…
www.ErikFisher.com
My wife and I are part of a
condominium association, and we traveled to where our condo is for the
annual meeting. This year the meeting was well attended, more so than
in previous years, because of the activity that had occurred throughout
the year on the part of the manager of the property management company.
One of the issues is that this "manager" is also the developer, lives
on site and keeps the place looking nice. He has quite a large sense of
entitlement and an apparent ego to go with it; however, it was his
ethics that began to be called into question. Often with a sense of
entitlement comes the belief that we are worth more than others and
therefore deserve more than others. This can lead to the slippery slope
that we see so many slide down, similar to the Bernie Madoffs of the
world.
The reputation of this manager is that he bullies, intimidates, shames
and humiliates others to get his way. He also has been known to
manipulate facts and information to his benefit. At this meeting, he
began by commanding, "This is my meeting," when it was truly not his
meeting, it is the meeting of the owner/members. Here began the
onslaught of bullying, manipulation, probable lying and self-serving
obtuseness in a five hour rant that promoted his arrogance and
ignorance. There were some that spoke up, but almost as quickly as they
spoke up, they became silent again, almost fearful of retaliation, if
not from him, then from others supporting him.
So you may be thinking that Dr. E… has a beef with this guy… Yes I do,
but I have a bigger beef with how people responded to him, including
myself. That is what I want to address. Here is my concern. In the
world we live in, we are crying for change. We live in a world where
there are egregious abuses of power from our families to our schools,
to our government, to our board rooms. But when it comes down to it,
too many times we don’t step up when we have the chance.
Bullies Everywhere
Bullying is a problem that is gripping not just our children but all of
us as a collective society. What I saw at this meeting was a bully, and
I saw people from many walks of life taking it and some also feeding
it. Mind you, these are successful people, lawyers, doctors, business
owners, mothers, fathers…and no one stood up to say, "Enough." People
knew that what he was saying was not true, but they did not challenge
him. What's worse is that after this manager bullied his way through
the meeting, he then called for the vote to re-elect himself as
manager, and people let it happen and then re-elected him as manager.
Even when I went to the board to ask them to stop the vote, they did
not. After all, this was not his meeting. It was the meeting of the
condominium association.
Why did no one speak up, and why does this happen time and again? I
believe it is fear. Fear of being wrong, fear of being attacked, fear
that we may lose something, fear of what others may think of us, fear
of the consequences if the bully "wins." Even at the core of every
bully is fear, which is why they behave as they do. Fear does have a
positive side, in that its job is to protect us from harm, but in many
circumstances it is out of balance. What do we all stand to lose when
we let the bully "win"? Everything!
From Victim to Victor
I believe that this action of not confronting only reinforces this
behavior in all of us. In the bully it reinforces the idea that he/she
can continue to act as he/she does. In his "victims" it reinforces the
belief that they are powerless. The truth is that no one can take our
power away unless we give it to them. I believe that we can be
victimized by others, but I believe even more that we often remain
victims by choice. This is just one example of what goes on around us
every day and it has been happening for millennia, which is why people
feel so helpless to change it. I believe that there is a further
potential for us to seek a higher standard and more empowered outcome.
People often want to excuse bullying behavior when the "bully" is good
at what they do in their skill set. To me, it is not a matter of how
good a job a person does when they are not in integrity and they do not
treat others with respect. There is no excuse for this behavior, and
we, as individuals and a society should not have to endure the
entitlement of others, that's what got us into this mess.
No matter how old we get, we still feel like little kids inside. Well,
so do the bullies. The bully's behavior is no more than a temper
tantrum to gain control of others. People bully others because they
have something to hide: insecurity, inadequacy, lies, fears, failures…
and too many times we do not see through them. When we don't challenge
these issues, we are lead like lambs to the slaughter. Is that the
bully's fault? No. We choose not to see and/or we choose not to act. I
chose not to act more assertively that day, and I wish to not make that
choice again. What will you choose?
About the author: Erik Fisher,
PhD, aka Dr. E…, is a licensed psychologist and author who has
been featured on NBC, CBS, FOX and CNN. Visit him at www.ErikFisher.com to learn more about his books "The Art
of Empowered Parenting" and "The Art of Managing Everyday Conflict or
to check out his blog. Permission
granted for use on DrLaura.com.
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